It’s been about a year now since I did a column like what Garrison Keillor did on his Prairie Home Companion program. Once a year, Keillor would devote his entire program to jokes. So in a similar fashion, here’s my once a year of what we used to call the ‘funny pages.’
Let’s start with some Ole and Lina jokes. Ole goes into a church, runs back out and tells Lina this is our church! Lina asks why? Ole says they were singing Ole, Ole, Ole….
Sven says to Ole, ‘I hear you had to shoot your dog, was he mad?’ Ole: Vell, he wasn’t too happy about it!
Lina: That Ole is so gullible. Last month at the county fair, he paid $3 to see the invisible man!
Ole sees a sign up around Shakopee that says Mystic Lake has $3 craps all day. Ole says to Lina – ‘boy, the pay toilets here are pretty spendy!’
Top 5 bumper stickers observed on Minnesota cars: 5. Minnesota – Home of the blonde hair and blue ears. #4. Minnesota – Land of 10,000 Olsons. #3. You are entering Minnesota – Use alternative route. #2. 10,000 lakes and no sharks. #1. Minnesota – Come fall in love with a loon.
It’s been suggested that the next Minnesota Pro Sports team should be named the Minnesota Fats. You know I’ve often said that some Minnesota towns should have different nicknames that would go with their towns. For a long time I thought that the West Concord Cardinals should have been the West Concord Grapes. Here are some other suggestions: The Duluth Harbor, The Argyle Socks, The Virginia Slims, The Benson Hedges, The Comfrey Cozies, The Red Wing Boots, The Plymouth Rock.
You might be from Minnesota if…..you remember Rudy Perpich for something other than being a dentist. Traveling coast to coast means going from Stillwater to Ortonville. You know how to pronounce Mille Lacs, Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Cloquet, Pequot Lakes, Shakopee, Kandiyohi, Lac Qui Parle or Chisago. You might be from Minnesota if it does your heart proud when International Falls or Embarrass are the coldest places in the nation. You know what a smelt run is and you can’t wait for the smelt feed. In that same vein, you can’t wait for the first lutefisk supper of the fall.
Here are the Top Ten Minnesota phases that need no explanation unless you’re from out of state.
10. It’s a hot dish. 9. It’s not the heat but the gosh darn humidity! 8. I miss Boone and Erickson. 7. To be honest, I never thought they’d get that ice castle built. 6. To be honest, I never thought that road construction would get done. 5. That’s a little spendy! 4. Want a little lunch? 3. You Betcha! 2. Shredded carrots in Jello, what a great idea said no one ever! And number 1: Uffda!!
Bonus Ole jokes: Ole likes his prune juice sparkly so now he adds 7-UP to his prune juice and he calls the concoction ‘Hurry UP!’ Ole has another new drink where he mixes soy sauce with prune juice. He calls it the Orient Express! Ole was playing golf this spring when his ball hit a windshield of an oncoming car. The guy comes over and asks Ole what he’s going to do about it. Ole says I think if I turn the club in and grip it tighter, that should do it. Ole took his car to the mechanic the other day. The guy tells Ole he couldn’t fix the brakes so he made the horn louder!
Finally, here are some true or false questions on the Minnesota Citizenship Application:
‘Have a Nice Day’ is an ORDER! TV News Anchors are celebrities. Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere. It’s pop, not soda! Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an overheated plate. And two essay questions on the Minnesota Citizenship Application: What ‘uffda means to me. What ‘oopsy daisy’ means to me.
Just finished an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are; eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. That is actually my idea of a perfect day! And remember, with age comes wisdom but sometimes age comes alone!
